Millions of politicians.

There are sixteen candidates in Clare. SIXTEEN. In my head, that's the same as a million. So technically, there a million candidates in Clare. Don't argue with the logic, just go with it. This is bad news for the journalist based in Clare.

Here's why:

Sixteen candidates dilutes the vote, distributing it across the million, unevenly, but breaking it down. This means that none of the candidates meet the quota, so the lowest is eliminated. The five votes that guy got because he looked like the goofy guy who has a cameo in that zombie movie you saw, now have to be distributed upwards. Those votes aren't enough to beat a quota for anyone, so the next most unpopular lemon-head is eliminated and the sympathy votes he got because he looks like his mam and dad might be brother and sister, are now distributed to the other 999,998 candidates.

This process repeats itself until (A) Someone gets enough hand-me-down votes to make a quota, (B) they run out of candidates and elect the last four losers or (C) everyone in the election kills themselves out of boredom and the politicians sneak home lest they be accused of being in a cult.

God Bless the hack in Clare... you've a long night ahead. Two counts down, and two unpopular people eliminated...

No Quota Still Hopa...

It doesn't even rhyme!! What the hell am I thinking. The auld brain is running on Lucozade and KitKat bars. Not healthy. Feeling a little crappy to be honest.

Speaking of crappy... The Greens still have no seats. Me and my housemates have won the same number of seats in the new Dail as the Green Party.

Speakign of crappy, again, Brian Lenihan, the old boss of the purse strings, he's just been elected. Without a quota. Basically that means that he's craptacular and not all that awesome. He's the second FF TD. One of them was given a free pass for being Ceann Comhairle, which makes Lenihan the first FF TD that was actually elected by the people. It makes me grin one of them evil grins that makes the other people in the press room in North Tipp edge away from me nervously.

Speaking of nervously...

Fergus O'Dowd has been elected in Louth.

Speaking of Louth. I dislike it.

Bedlam!!!

BEDLAM is the only word for it. There's complete mayhem going on here. I can't get from my laptop to the election hall, the wireless box is making a strangee fizzing noise, and it gets better and then worse if it's moved. This room is jamp packed with wireless signals. I should be typing in capital letters, because in my head I'm shouting...

First count done though.

Lowry elected. Everyone try not to die of shock all at once yeah?

I don't even know what's going on all over the rest of the country. We wait for round two and I think I'll go get me some not-so-fresh air...

Ssssshhhhh.....

Everyone has to shut the hell up, because RTE are in the room and they're about to record an interview with Michael Lowry. So everyone shut up. 'Cause they're RTE and you're subhuman.

In other news... Labour 6, FG 4, FF 1, Ind 2, Others 1, Green Party 8.... nah, I'm fucking with you. Nobody voted for the Greens. Zero is what that should have said.

Big fat zero.

Cycle that to work....

Big Numbers...

10. Ten is a big number. So I'm not telling you who the people are that are getting elected except Mick Wallace... not official yet, but looks a cert. This means for the first time the Dail will have a long white haired man. I wonder if there's code of "parliamentary hair"?

Here's the numbers as they stand - this is official. Well as official as a sweaty fat guy in North Tipperary can be...

Labour: 4
Fine Gael: 3
Fianna Fail: 1
Independents: 1
Others: 1

Others means Joe Higgins, the world's least practical commie. Still, variety is the spice of life.

It's a Seat Rush...

In the last few minutes we've elected (I say we, because I'm blaming all of you too when this all goes tits up, sure who else would I blame?):

Leo Varadkar, Martin Heydon and Jack Wall.

I know what you're thinking: What the hell are those two doing palling around with Varadkar. Well, if you were thinking that, then you haven't the faintest clue of what's going on. If, like me you were thinking; "Martin Whosit and Jack What"? Then I'm on the same page as you...

As for Leo... I look forward to seeing him spar across the Dail. In the way that someone looks forward to seeing a car crash.

Sly Rabbits...

Pat Rabbitte is in. That's good news. He's a favourite. And fun to look at too!