It's a hold up...

So, eh, how many election counts have you held up recently. 'Cause I just held up one all on my own. Yep. Ready to call out the final count in the North Tipperary elections... but wait... Dan's not ready. Stall the feckin' digger lads! Dan's not ready.

Alright it wasn't that dramatic, but they did stall the entire count on my behalf. Which was cool. It was so we could go live and broadcast the final election call of the day from Nenagh. Remember all the bitchy shit I said about RTE? I meant it all, but I lso now kind of love them. Go figure.

Kathleen from RTE television literally stalled for me to be ready, and the returning officer stalled because she didn't give the signal to say that I was ready and just in the nick of time... cut to North Tipp... Boom.

It was an important one to be fair. First time in the history of the state that Fianna Fail has been without a seat in North Tipperary. Anywhere in Tipperary for that matter. Sums up their day really.

Kind of sums up mine too. Day of ups and downs. More ups than downs. I'll tell you what. I'll sleep tonight. Final election result from North Tipp: Michael Lowry (Ind) - Elected. Noel Coonan (FG) - Elected. Alan Kelly (Lab) - Elected.

Maire Hoctor... eliminated. Lousy. She was nice.

Don't think I'm done blogging yet though. THere's still clean up to dodge.

It's a sleep thing...

I'm getting progressively nastier and more mean spirited as the night progresses. It's lack of sleep. And the fact that you're all fat and ugly.

Look at me; I'm Ricky Gervais...

Where it's not at...

Clare. Are you fucking kidding me? It's ten o'clock at night already. Or almost at any rate. Not a single person elected yet? I told you that was going to be one shitty place to be a hack/rubbernecker.

Where it's at...

Dun Laoghaire. That's where. At this late stage of the game it's easy to get involved in smug congratulations and spitting on people who you know once said hello to a Fianna Failer. But bear you in mind, there's still some life in this dog left. And that dog's name is spelled funny: Dun Laoghaire. I think.

Labour have ruined everyone's day by throwing all their toys out of the pram after precious Ivan Bacik got eliminated. They were actually congratulating the woman earlier on, proving that you can count your red, union loving, tax hiking chickens before they hatch. And who's fighting the fight? Mary Frickin Hanafin. Boom. I told you we love underdogs.

She'd lost this election this morning. It was over. Ball burst. Go home Mary. And you too other Mary. But the blonde with the steely eyes, she was having none of it. When Barry Andrews (shudder) got the axe, she came roaring back, and now Richard Boyd Barrett is sweating in his hemp pants and sandals. Damn crusty hippy.

Hanafin's got Labour running scared...

Now the unfortunate counters are going to have to crack open the boxes and start all over again. Classic! Glad I'm not there...

Ten to Nine

It's that time of the day. Ten to nine. In about twenty minutes, it'll be that other time, about ten past nine.

It's slow going on election day in Ireland. Then shit out of nowhere you're standing outside and the crazy Returnign Officer announces the second count while you're chatting with your mate. Only consolation is that no one else fecking well got it either. There wasn't a journo in the place who was ready for that call.

Half the job out here is being ready for the call, and we're all here with our fancy laptops and our lazy Frenchmen, and we miss it curse you cruel fates. Curse you inconveniently located dressing room/media room.

Here's how it's breaking down now: Parties are about to get their party on. Except Fianna Fail who will cry and the Greens who will cease to exist. How's that for an existential crisis. One day you exist, several million angry votes later, you do not. Bitter pill to swallow.

Labour: 11
Fine Gael: 18
Fianna Fail: 3
Green Party: 0
Independents: 6
Sinn Fein: 4
Others: 1

Watch Joe Higgins there under the "Other" category. He loves being Other. Gets him off. You know it. It's going to go long into the night... but not here. Just a handful left to count now, and then we're gonna be done. They're going to make me pack my fancy laptop and productive Frenchman (I changed my mind mid blog) and leave...

You'll miss me right?

Not just yet... we have time yet. Me and you...

Sky Sports

I feel like the Sky Sports pisstake on Mitchell and Webb... All the counting all the time. Counting, counting, counting, each count mattering massively to someone somewhere, presumably.

Here's what I'm talking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF_uOgyBK1c

Curse the assfaces in South Tipperary, they're just a compass point away from me, and yet they're finished already. Elected are some guys who love to be TDs apparently...

Nah, I'm kidding - the breakdown for South Tipp is as follows:
Seamus Healy (Independent), Tom Hayes (Fine Gael) and Mattie McGrath (Independent). Fianna Fail could have put Jesus Christ and David Bekham in there and they'd not have got a seat. We're properly bitter are we Irish...

Except...

We love the little guy. The underdog. The downtrodden. We love them, because we love being them. Tomorrow morning there'll be fifty thousand Independents elected to the Dail, and they'll all decide to become Fianna Fail just 'cause they feel bad on them. And we'll all probably support them. Expecially if they play sport. We love sporting underdogs. We hated Rocky when he was an arrogant twat. We love soccer players like Robbie Keane - the little engine that couldn't...

I wonder if Robbie Keane would vote Fianna Fail...

Predictability.

It's boring when you can see the future. I don't care what anyone says. You'd be bored out of your tits. If you had tits. If you didn't have tits, you'd have been bored out of your unneccassary nipples.

I'm referencing good old home town Limerick where there are three more seats to fill. Quota's 8,000 and something or other. Noonan's through, and Jan O'Sullivan, Willie O'Dea and Kieran O'Donnell have seven thousand something or other each. Everyone else in the list has peanuts. Only peanuts. Even if they could mash Cian Prendeville and Maurice Quinlavin into one (really weird looking) person, and combine them, they'd still not be close. This race is over folks.

Those mentioned above are in. Everyone else is out. This means, two Fine Gael, one Labour and one Fianna Fail. Who's the one? Only Willie O'Dea, who swears on his tash that it's daycent hash...